Days 6 -8

   In these few days, we started actually hearing the doctors, retaining some of the information, and asking questions. We had a million that we asked and were still clueless. All the nurses we had so far (Angelia, Nichole, and Amanda) were amazing. They kept us calm and reassured us. Berkley did really well these few days, Wes and I were bonding more, and we had got a call about being accepted into the Shanon House (More on that later.) Most importantly, I had my first kangaroo time with him where I got to hold him. In this moment, I felt like his mother finally. It's almost as if I was missing something before. The hardest part in the beginning  even now - Not being able to hold your baby isn't something that ever crosses your mind. I still cry some days because I can't walk in there and grab him up. I'm never putting him down when that day comes when I can hold him when I want.
   NICU mom to NICU mom - it's okay to feel angry, sad, bitter, helpless, anxious, scared - I still feel these and tons more on most days. An emotional roller-coaster. During the first week, I remember feeling bitter and upset because I didn't get to experience my third trimester - decorating the nursery, baby showers, maternity pictures, actually finishing all those books about what to expect during labor, feeling Berkley move, enjoying being huge in a pool with preggo friends {♡you Raysha, Carly, and Heather}, getting to have more ultrasounds and doctor visits, Wes getting to feel him move, and just being able to be READY for a baby. I cried the first maternity clothing  package I received in the mail after delivery. I mean, really cried. I thought, I'm crazy....but then talked to another mom who said she went through something similar. It's normal. Apparently third trimester grief is a real thing. I'm so happy Berkley is here and doing great, but there is a part of me that still wants him in the womb where I know he is safe. But then I lean on God. I know there was a reason my body went into preterm labor. The doctors do not know, but God does. I trust him. Berkley will now start school a year earlier, forever be playing jokes on me with Wes on his birthday, April Fools, and will be in spring training at Alabama in 18 years (ehm, Wes's input). And that's okay, God's plan, not ours.

Day 6
Dear Berkley,
   Today the pediatrician heart doctor, Dr. Israel, came and did an ultrasound on your heart to look closer at what is causing the murmur. The cause is from a PDA. From what I took in, this is an artery outside of your heart going to your lungs that did not close. Its pushing too much blood into your lungs. All babies have it since they don't need to breathe before they are born. Once you are born, it normally closes up.  Since you are so small, you are going to need a little help. They are starting you on some medicine today. You also got a PICC today in your left arm. This is similar to an IV that I would have.
   We got to celebrate small victories today. Starting with feedings going to 1.4mL an hour. Dad got to hold you in the palm of his hands too. It's amazing to see his love for you. I love him more through every minute of this journey with you. He is so strong and you will learn he keeps me laughing. We got to change our first diapers today. You did so good during Care time.
   There are so many people praying for you. You are already loved by so many. I know you feel God right there with you because you show more fight everyday. In my devotional today, God showed me a passage that commands us to show THANKSGIVING and not to be drawn away from him in negative or bad times in our lives. I'm thankfully for you Berkley Miller-thankful for every minute, every hour, every day we get with you. Buddy, we have a long road before we get home, but you are a warrior. We will be home before we know it! God gave us you. We are so blessed. We will cherish every moment and every milestone with you forever.

Day 7
Dear Berkley,
   Happy ONE week to you little peach!!!! 7 days that have felt like 7 months to us. Today was a big day. You had your first blood transfusion. Sounds a lot worse than it is. You haven't lost any blood. Just sometimes babies need some extra blood. You and Daddy are the same blood type. You also got your first cuddle time with me! 😍 This is called kangaroo time because you are tucked in my shirt or gown for the skin to skin contact. It was amazing. You just curled up in to a ball right on my chest. As soon as I felt you breathing, a peacefull feeling came over me. I will never forget this moment in our lives. 

Day 8
   Today was beautiful. You seem to rest well and you loved tummy time. You are going to sleep just like Daddy does. I think you are just a few days from opening your eyes. 😊 You are up on your weight to 1lb 13oz. You had got down to 1lb 9oz, but the nurse practitioner said that was normal to lose and gain back in the beginning and while they adjust feedings. They are doing an x-ray in the morning to check on your lungs. Your oxygen levels have been changing some so they just want to see what may be going on.
   Pawpaw, Gammy, Nanna, and Poppa have all got to come back and visit some with you this week. They are all dying to hold and love on you. You are going to be one spoiled little boy.

Sleep sweet. Grow big. Be brave. I love you.

First Family Photo. Day 7

Fits right in his hands

Happy ONE week!!!

first cuddle time