The first 5 days in the Neonatatl Intensive Care Unit.... I wasn't ready for those. Not only had I just delivered my baby 16 weeks early, but now he was in the NICU also. Wes and I didn't know what to expect, didn't know what to do, didn't know what each minute held. Wes had went upstairs to look at the NICU before my delivery and met a sweet couple that talked to him so he was a little more prepared than I was. I didn't have a clue as my nurse wheeled me to see him. Coming into the unit, you are taken back at all the babies and machines. It is one big room with small walls separating the babies. Each baby has has their bed, tons of monitors, and whatever equipment they may need to help with oxygen, feedings, fluids, etc. At the time of Berkley's arrival, there were 67 babies. SIXTY SEVEN families and babies struggling, asking questions, scared, anxious, tears flowing, and on their knees praying. The NICU has stayed on the sixty range since we've been here. My nurse wheeled me around to what we call Suite 30 where Berkley was. I remember being flooded by emotions and lots of tears. I couldn't believe he was here. There were so many wires and tubes connected to him. He was in an isolator which I'd call an incubator to describe better. He was completely covered with two holes on each side where I could put my hands in. Just my hands. I couldn't pick him up, couldn't hold him close and tell him everything is going to be okay, couldn't hold him and look at every detail of his face. In this moment, I remember feeling overwhelmed, a pain I hqd never felt before, a deep longing to be closer to him, but also very thankful for being able to see my precious boy there breathing. Our miracle. At this time, his nurse started to explain everything that was going on. I remember Mrs, Angelia telling me her name and she said, "I'll be taking care of your baby today". I got lost in those words, realizing that I would not be the one taking care of him around the clock. A nurse would be, very capable of course, but not me. I had waited so long to be a mother and I felt like it was being taken from me in that moment. The emotions tied to this was so hard to get pass. I still struggle some days, but these nurses and doctors give an outpouring of love and care daily to our little ones. They are heaven sent. I thank God every night for them. Berkley has a feeding tube and a breathing tube. There was a machine taking the majority of breaths for him. The doctors came over and I just heard voices. Wes and I didn't really retain a word they said that night or the next day. There was so much information given to us and I remember just wondering if he was going to be okay. I'd just stare at his little body and hold on to the little hand that barely wrapped halfway around my index finger.
Day 3 in the NICU, I started writing in Berkley's journal. I didn't want to forget any details. I also thought this would be good therapy for me and help me tell him his story as he gets older. Below are some of my words to him and some pictures from the first few days. His journey is going to be one that God uses. I just know it.
Day 3
Dear Berkley,
You are 1lb, 14oz. 12 in long. You are as long as Daddy's foot. Your hand is as big as the tip of his index finger. Your eyes are still fused shut. You have your daddy's nose. You are showing us fight and the nurses are calling you "fiesty". You are so strong. You are so loved.
As we soak in every detail of you, we are trying to soak in all the information from the doctors. I know you are in the best hands here, but I feel helpless. That's the part that hurts the most as your mom. Not being able to hold you or love on you is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm praying every minute of the day for you to grow, build strength, and for God to reveal his plan to us. Your arrival was unexpected to us, but I know it wasn't to God. God has a plan for you. He is in control. God commands us to be faithful. This holds true in the hardest of times. In a devotional book that Jessica gave to me on your birthday the scripture for today was Psalm 23:2 "The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want." The Lord is your Shepherd, Berkley. He will lead you. He will provide for your needs. He always has ours.
Day 4
My precious boy, you are doing so good. You are in what NICU calls the "honeymoon" stage because you haven't reacted fully to not being in my tummy. We are so happy with the progress you have made in just a few days. Your feedings are at 0.7mL and you are tolerating well. They also removed one of the cords that was hooked up through your belly button today called a UAC. You are on small baby guidelines so we are able to check your temperature, change your diaper, and gently touch you. There are certain times we can do this called care time. They are at 8am, 2pm, and 8pm. We are allowed back at any time, but must leave your insulator closed and covered unless it's during care time. Right now, we sit with you or are just about 50 steps away in the NICU lobby.
We got to hold your hands tonight. I know you could feel us there. We can't wait for you to open your eyes and start being more alert. You are making US stronger. We love you so much.
Day 5
Today I got to hold you in the palm of my hands inside the isolator. Our first touch. It was everything. Grammy always told me I'd understand her love for me once you were here. She was right, it's unexplainable. A love like no other. Always remember, I love you, Daddy loves you, and God loves you.
You went back on your vent from being on NIPPV for 18 hours. You are one strong boy. And hungry!!! They increased your feedings to 1mL today. The doctors heard a small heart murmur today that they will monitor for a few days. They assured us it's normal for premature babies to have this and it should close within a few days or they can give medicine to assist it.
Sleep sweet. Grow big. Be brave. I love you.
