Days 34 - 36

Day 34

Dear Berkley, 

  You were your fiesty self this morning. Dr. Buckley came by to change the dressing on your leg.  He removed the drain tube as well.  (Surgery details on Day 31)  You incision is the length of half your thigh.  It's not stitched together as the doctor said it would heal from the inside out. It's looking good and healing as it should.  You were mad at the world after he left.  Your pain medicine was stopped at 5am so you definitely felt some discomfort after his visit. You have just a wrap around your leg now. 

  Your care times are now at 8,11,2,and 5.  I LOVE this! Even though I spent a lot of time with you, I wasn't able to be in your isolate or touching you.  Now, we get to do diaper changes and talk to you more! (Not that the glass stopped me before ☺) I love care time because I can hold your hand or rub your head.  You already have a sleepy spot right above your nose on your forehead. 

  We take for granted that our plans are going to happen exactly how we want.  We have learned that this is not the case!  I'm a huge planner so the NICU makes me question numerous situations on a daily basis. I know I have to drive everyone crazy asking all of these hypothetical questions.  I have learned a lot and hopefully that will prepare me to take better care of you once you are home. One thing that I know I will never question is your Daddy's love for us.  He has a lot on his shoulders and takes it all with a smile.  I've been a little crazy on most days and he always manages to make me laugh and calm me down.  He loves you so much! This experience is bringing us closer as a family, closer as husband and wife, and closer to God.  

Day 35

Dear Berkley, 

   You are now at 2lbs 11oz and 14.25in length.  Now that your feeds are back up to 18mL you are going to take off like a firecracker! We are planning on going home today for Brian and Leah's wedding if you behave.  (Dad has already gave you the pep talk!) They can't wait to meet you! We hate to leave you! Soon enough, you will be going to wedding and all kinds of events with us! 

  I can't believe we are in the month of May.  Time moves so slow, but so fast. I pray for God to continue to make you stronger.  I pray for God to make you comfortable and show you he is right there with you. I pray for your infection to be completely gone and your body to heal.  I pray for your femur to heal and grow strong.  I pray for you to feel our love and know we are here with you every minute we can be.Everyday in my prayers, I also thank God for his many blessings. I thank God for you.  I thank him that you are strong and brave. I thank him that your feedings are going well with no signs of digestive issues.  I thank him for your growth.  I thank him for you becoming alert and focusing more with your eyes.  I thank him for the doctors, nurses, and the NICU staff that take care of you daily. God is Good! He has provided for our needs and he will continue to provide.  I love you so! 

Day 36

Dear Berkley, 

  Well, little bear, you listened to Dad's pep talk. You had such a good evening! We go to hug all of your aunts and uncles.  They all asked about you and can't wait to give you some loving. They love you already.  It's amazing to have friends that can love you before they even lay eyes on you. We are so excited for you to be a part of their lives and them a part of yours! (This is the first night we have stayed away from the hospital.  Even though we missed you like crazy, we definitely needed the break of sleeping in our own bed.)

    Dad and I  got to "cradle" hold you for the first time today. I just cried like I did the very first time I held you. It was so different being able to look down at you and you looking up at us! I love just watching you. You are changing so much! I love our Kangaroo time, but this was different since I could see your face the whole time. It was also great because Dad and I both got to hold you where when we kangaroo just one of us can per time. Pawpaw and Gammy came to visit you today on Gammy's birthday!  They got to come back while I held you and talk to you.  Gammy just kept kissing me on the head to give to you! They couldn't believe how much you have changed in just a few days. They are so ready for you to be home and so is Poppa and Nanna.  Your grandparents are going to spoil you rotten kiddo! (and that's not counting your Uncles and Aunt B or Aunt JenJen!!) You have so many people that love you!

Sleep sweet. Grow big. Be brave. I love you. 

Days 9-10

   I remember around this time, I started playing every scenerio in my mind for Berkley. The doctors had told us to plan on him not going home until my due date, July 20th... that was 101 days away.... 101! In that moment, the world stands still for a minute as you try to digest that. Still even now, that feels like a lifetime from today. Of course, if he does really well he may can go home earlier, but it won't be next month. All of our plans for him have changed. We will have to always be super careful with him around people that are sick, doctor appointments for years once he goes home, and knowing there could be other issues that pop up at any time. (Dont be surprised if you are rquired to wash your hands as soon as you walk in our home lol)  I wouldnt change any of this if it means having him here. I just pray he can grow up being a little boy - playing in sprinklers, playing football with his big cousin, Ty, chasing lightning bugs, learning his numbers and his ABCs, etc. Its the small things that as a parent you never think about not having. There are tons of "what if" questions for preemie parents. Berkley is doing great and there has been nothing mentioned of learning or physical disabilities, etc but these are things that cross my mind. It started getting scary around this time with his murmur and oxygen rates fluctuating. God has seen us through. Berkley started really changing day to day so I took lots of pictures. 

DAY 9

Dear Berkley, 

   YOU OPENED YOUR EYES TODAY!!! That one little peek made my heart explode. Your eyes are very sensitive to the light so you will squeeze them shut and open just for a second. It's amazing to watch you seeing light for the first time. Your feedings are going up today too! 

   Aunt Dewanna (your great aunt) sent me this scripture today. Deuteronomy 3:16. God's promise to us very similar to the verse Joshua 1:9 I gave to you in the beginning. Scripture discusses being strong, courageous, not afraid because God will never leave us. Always remember he is right there with you. Sarah Jo, your JuJu, told me the other day words that calmed me. She said, "God has got Berkley in His hands. So even though he doesn't get to feel his momma, I guarantee he feels his Heavenly Father." She is so right....God is there whispering in your ear, "it's okay." when I can not.

DAY 10

   I sat with you awhile this morning while you were all nestled in your Giraffe isolator.  I talked a lot to you and just watched you sleep. (I sneak peeks through your cover when I can.) You are starting to have facial expressions. You raise your eyebrows when you hear me talk, it makes me laugh. 

  Your heart murmur is still there. The doctors are still trying medicine and I am praying specifically for it to go away and your lungs to get stronger. It's going to take time, but God is working. They also did a head x-ray today to check for brain bleeds. We will get the results tomorrow. It will be rated level 1-4 and we are expecting something there just for your size and delivery. Saying a prayer that it is the lower end. 

   Saved the best for the end.... Dad got Kangaroo time today! He got to hold you for the first time. We sat and just loved on you for the longest. Dad talked to you and I listened  (and laughed a lot). Maybe you'll get his wit. We can't wait to take you home. We are going to make it through this. 

Sleep sweet. Grow big. Be brave. I love you. 

Eyes are open now!

Daddy's first hold

Day 1-5 in NICU

     The first 5 days in the Neonatatl Intensive Care Unit.... I wasn't ready for those. Not only had I just delivered my baby 16 weeks early, but now he was in the NICU also. Wes and I didn't know what to expect, didn't know what to do, didn't know what each minute held.  Wes had went upstairs to look at the NICU before my delivery and met a sweet couple that talked to him so he was a little more prepared than I was. I didn't have a clue as my nurse wheeled me to see him. Coming into the unit, you are taken back at all the babies and machines. It is one big room with small walls separating the babies. Each baby has has their bed, tons of monitors, and whatever equipment they may need to help with oxygen, feedings, fluids, etc.  At the time of Berkley's arrival, there were 67 babies. SIXTY SEVEN families and babies struggling, asking questions, scared, anxious, tears flowing, and on their knees praying. The NICU has stayed on the sixty range since we've been here. My nurse wheeled me around to what we call Suite 30 where Berkley was. I remember being flooded by emotions and lots of tears. I couldn't believe he was here. There were so many wires and tubes connected to him. He was in an isolator which I'd call an incubator to describe better. He was completely covered with two holes on each side where I could put my hands in. Just my hands. I couldn't pick him up, couldn't hold him close and tell him everything is going to be okay, couldn't hold him and look at every detail of his face. In this moment, I remember feeling overwhelmed, a pain I hqd never felt before, a deep longing to be closer to him, but also very thankful for being able to see my precious boy there breathing. Our miracle. At this time, his nurse started to explain everything that was going on. I remember Mrs, Angelia telling me her name and she said, "I'll be taking care of your baby today".  I got lost in those words, realizing that I would not be the one taking care of him around the clock. A nurse would be, very capable of course, but not me. I had waited so long to be a mother and I felt like it was being taken from me in that moment.  The emotions tied to this was so hard to get pass. I still struggle some days, but these nurses and doctors give an outpouring of love and care daily to our little ones. They are heaven sent. I thank God every night for them.  Berkley has a feeding tube and a breathing tube. There was a machine taking the majority of breaths for him. The doctors came over and I just heard voices. Wes and I didn't really retain a word they said that night or the next day. There was so much information given to us and I remember just wondering if he was going to be okay. I'd just stare at his little body and hold on to the little hand that barely wrapped halfway around my index finger. 

    Day 3 in the NICU, I started writing in Berkley's journal. I didn't want to forget any details. I also thought this would be good therapy for me and help me tell him his story as he gets older. Below are some of my words to him and some pictures from the first few days. His journey is going to be one that God uses. I just know it.

Day 3

Dear Berkley, 

You are 1lb, 14oz. 12 in long. You are as long as Daddy's foot. Your hand is as big as the tip of his index finger. Your eyes are still fused shut. You have your daddy's nose. You are showing us fight and the nurses are calling you "fiesty". You are so strong. You are so loved.

As we soak in every detail of you, we are trying to soak in all the information from the doctors. I know you are in the best hands here, but I feel helpless. That's the part that hurts the most as your mom. Not being able to hold you or love on you is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm praying every minute of the day for you to grow, build strength, and for God to reveal his plan to us. Your arrival was unexpected to us, but I know it wasn't to God. God has a plan for you. He is in control. God commands us to be faithful. This holds true in the hardest of times. In a devotional book that Jessica gave to me on your birthday the scripture for today was Psalm 23:2 "The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want." The Lord is your Shepherd, Berkley. He will lead you. He will provide for your needs. He always has ours.

Day 4

My precious boy, you are doing so good. You are in what NICU calls the "honeymoon" stage because you haven't reacted fully to not being in my tummy. We are so happy with the progress you have made in just a few days. Your feedings are at 0.7mL and you are tolerating well. They also removed one of the cords that was hooked up through your belly button today called a UAC. You are on small baby guidelines so we are able to check your temperature, change your diaper, and gently touch you. There are certain times we can do this called care time. They are at 8am, 2pm, and 8pm. We are allowed back at any time, but must leave your insulator closed and covered unless it's during care time. Right now, we sit with you or are just about 50 steps away in the NICU lobby.

We got to hold your hands tonight. I know you could feel us there. We can't wait for you to open your eyes and start being more alert. You are making US stronger. We love you so much.

Day 5
Today I got to hold you in the palm of my hands inside the isolator. Our first touch. It was everything. Grammy always told me I'd understand her love for me once you were here. She was right, it's unexplainable. A love like no other. Always remember, I love you, Daddy loves you, and God loves you.

You went back on your vent from being on NIPPV for 18 hours. You are one strong boy. And hungry!!! They increased your feedings to 1mL today. The doctors heard a small heart murmur today that they will monitor for a few days. They assured us it's normal for premature babies to have this and it should close within a few days or they can give medicine to assist it.

Sleep sweet. Grow big. Be brave. I love you.