Days 14 - 16

Day 14
Dear Berkley,
   You have your little hands on everything. You pulled your eating tube out today while Mrs. Monika had you. She says, you are trouble! Your feedings are staying at 9mL until you get your last dose of medicine for the heart murmur. You are in the 2lb club now!
   I got kangaroo time today for a few hours. Dad sat with us and you just snoozed. Gammy, Nanna, Poppa, Uncle Tristen, Gracie, Uncle Jeffery, Aunt B, and Ty all came to visit today. We are all ready for you to be home.

Day 15
Dear Berkley,
   Happy 1st Easter! Today we celebrate God's promises. An old hymn has been stuck in my head for days, you have heard me humming it...Because He lives we can face tomorrow, Because He lives all fear is gone. What an awesome God we have! Everytime I look at you, I am reminded of his love, power, mercy, and our salvation. He has blessed us to be your parents, maybe that in itself is our calling. I will always teach you to go to God for guidance. He will never leave you.
   Dr. Israel is coming by in the morning to meet with us about your murmur. I am still hopefull for no surgery, but it's looking as if that is in God's plan.

First Easter!

Day 16
Dear Berkley,

Isaiah 40:11
 《He tends HIS flock like a Shepherd. He gathers the Lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart. He gently leads those that have young.》

We talked to Dr. Israel and Dr. Clay, heart surgeon, today and their recommendation is surgery to close the PDA causing your heart mumur. At this moment, the PDA is causing more respiratory issues and your levels have been fluctuating daily. They expect the surgery to take about an hour. We are scared, but praying for the doctors and nurses and for the surgery to be successful. God is with you, us, and them. He will carry is through this. I heard this scripture today on the radio as I was crying about the surgery. God always knows how to give us answers and this was Him telling me everything was going to be okay. He is carrying you. He is leading me.
   Every day now something is changing about you. Your hair is darker, you are growing in length, your eyes are opened more, you are forming new wrinkles, and love to keep your hands right by your face. You are the cutest! You have been resting well. A lot of times you give us just a one eye peek when we talk to you. You make us so happy.

Sleep sweet. Grow big. Be brave. I love you.

Days 11 - 13

Philippians 4:6

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.




Day 11
Dear Berkley,
   Today we are PRAISING God! You have NO brain bleeds. Not one! They prepared us for the worst, we expected something, but God showed us if we ask of him he will answer. This is the BEST news! You had a good day. Feedings have moved up to 7mL, chest x-ray did not show anything abnormal, labs were good, and you are looking good.

Day 12
   Today was an extra special day. Not only did I get kangaroo time for 3 hours, but Dad sent me flowers at the hospital for our Anniversary. We've been married 4 years today. Seeing your name on the card was the sweetest. Holding you for so long put me on Cloud 9. I talked to you a lot today during our time about everyone that is praying for you. You have a huge fan club already. We talked dad a lot too. He really is the best thing that ever happened to me.
   You got your first taste of a pacifier today from Ms. Beth. You may love her now! You are up to 1lb 15oz in weight. Feedings are doing good, but we still have that heart murmur lingering. We are seeing it affect your lungs more. Praying really hard for God to close it up. These are obstacles, but overall you are doing great for a 24 weeker.  Your face is changing everyday. You look more and more like your Daddy. Maybe you'll have my eyes. ☺ See you bright and early buddy.

Day 13
  Well, you made today interesting. Just after I left this afternoon to go get food, you pulled your breathing tube out!! Yes, you at 14 days old. Mrs. Amanda was your nurse today and she got you all settled back in. You are tired from all the excitement, but resting well now. We gave you a pep talk and now your hands are in time-out under your swaddle. You are becoming more alert and I know you know our voices. Dr. Israel came back to check on you. Of course we know the heart murmur is still there, medicine will continue, but may have to look at surgery soon. This really scares us, but God is the great physician. I've been praying all day.

Sleep sweet. Grow big. Be brave. I love you.


 

Shanon's House

A post from Instagram: "The Lord knew His plan from the beginning. He has blessed us with our miracle and also with a place to stay right by the hospital. We have had numerous people ask us about where we were staying and how to help so I wanted to show you God's plan. We are staying at the Shanon House that the Mayfair Church of Christ runs here in Huntsville for families who have loved ones in the hospital for an extended period. A room opened just a few days after I was discharged from the hospital. The Johnsons that help operate the home have been a blessing as well. We are just a short walk from Berkley when we are not at the hospital. God is good.  Thank yoi for your continued prayers."

Its so hard leaving your sick baby, but add an hour and half drive and it makes it that much harder. Knowing you are so far away if you get that phone call to come to the hospital. But now I didn't have to worry about being so far.  Now we are literally across the street from where he is. If you looked out the window close to his Suite 30, you could see the window to our bedroom. God is good! He reminded me in this moment that he will always provide. We just have to ask him and wait.

The Johnson's, Johnny and Christie, are amazing folks. Truly a blessing to everyone that comes in contact with them. Christians who pray for you and your baby as they live out God's plan. They attend Mayfair Church of Christ here in Huntsville. The church funds this home that was started by Shanon's parents. A huge blessing to over 600 families in the years they have been here. Below is a link to a website. Please take a few minutes to read Shanon's story. Also, will you pray for the church, the Johnsons, and the house?

http://shanonshouse.org/SHANONS_HOUSE/Welcome.html

Our view from the backyard:

Days 9-10

   I remember around this time, I started playing every scenerio in my mind for Berkley. The doctors had told us to plan on him not going home until my due date, July 20th... that was 101 days away.... 101! In that moment, the world stands still for a minute as you try to digest that. Still even now, that feels like a lifetime from today. Of course, if he does really well he may can go home earlier, but it won't be next month. All of our plans for him have changed. We will have to always be super careful with him around people that are sick, doctor appointments for years once he goes home, and knowing there could be other issues that pop up at any time. (Dont be surprised if you are rquired to wash your hands as soon as you walk in our home lol)  I wouldnt change any of this if it means having him here. I just pray he can grow up being a little boy - playing in sprinklers, playing football with his big cousin, Ty, chasing lightning bugs, learning his numbers and his ABCs, etc. Its the small things that as a parent you never think about not having. There are tons of "what if" questions for preemie parents. Berkley is doing great and there has been nothing mentioned of learning or physical disabilities, etc but these are things that cross my mind. It started getting scary around this time with his murmur and oxygen rates fluctuating. God has seen us through. Berkley started really changing day to day so I took lots of pictures. 

DAY 9

Dear Berkley, 

   YOU OPENED YOUR EYES TODAY!!! That one little peek made my heart explode. Your eyes are very sensitive to the light so you will squeeze them shut and open just for a second. It's amazing to watch you seeing light for the first time. Your feedings are going up today too! 

   Aunt Dewanna (your great aunt) sent me this scripture today. Deuteronomy 3:16. God's promise to us very similar to the verse Joshua 1:9 I gave to you in the beginning. Scripture discusses being strong, courageous, not afraid because God will never leave us. Always remember he is right there with you. Sarah Jo, your JuJu, told me the other day words that calmed me. She said, "God has got Berkley in His hands. So even though he doesn't get to feel his momma, I guarantee he feels his Heavenly Father." She is so right....God is there whispering in your ear, "it's okay." when I can not.

DAY 10

   I sat with you awhile this morning while you were all nestled in your Giraffe isolator.  I talked a lot to you and just watched you sleep. (I sneak peeks through your cover when I can.) You are starting to have facial expressions. You raise your eyebrows when you hear me talk, it makes me laugh. 

  Your heart murmur is still there. The doctors are still trying medicine and I am praying specifically for it to go away and your lungs to get stronger. It's going to take time, but God is working. They also did a head x-ray today to check for brain bleeds. We will get the results tomorrow. It will be rated level 1-4 and we are expecting something there just for your size and delivery. Saying a prayer that it is the lower end. 

   Saved the best for the end.... Dad got Kangaroo time today! He got to hold you for the first time. We sat and just loved on you for the longest. Dad talked to you and I listened  (and laughed a lot). Maybe you'll get his wit. We can't wait to take you home. We are going to make it through this. 

Sleep sweet. Grow big. Be brave. I love you. 

Eyes are open now!

Daddy's first hold

Days 6 -8

   In these few days, we started actually hearing the doctors, retaining some of the information, and asking questions. We had a million that we asked and were still clueless. All the nurses we had so far (Angelia, Nichole, and Amanda) were amazing. They kept us calm and reassured us. Berkley did really well these few days, Wes and I were bonding more, and we had got a call about being accepted into the Shanon House (More on that later.) Most importantly, I had my first kangaroo time with him where I got to hold him. In this moment, I felt like his mother finally. It's almost as if I was missing something before. The hardest part in the beginning  even now - Not being able to hold your baby isn't something that ever crosses your mind. I still cry some days because I can't walk in there and grab him up. I'm never putting him down when that day comes when I can hold him when I want.
   NICU mom to NICU mom - it's okay to feel angry, sad, bitter, helpless, anxious, scared - I still feel these and tons more on most days. An emotional roller-coaster. During the first week, I remember feeling bitter and upset because I didn't get to experience my third trimester - decorating the nursery, baby showers, maternity pictures, actually finishing all those books about what to expect during labor, feeling Berkley move, enjoying being huge in a pool with preggo friends {♡you Raysha, Carly, and Heather}, getting to have more ultrasounds and doctor visits, Wes getting to feel him move, and just being able to be READY for a baby. I cried the first maternity clothing  package I received in the mail after delivery. I mean, really cried. I thought, I'm crazy....but then talked to another mom who said she went through something similar. It's normal. Apparently third trimester grief is a real thing. I'm so happy Berkley is here and doing great, but there is a part of me that still wants him in the womb where I know he is safe. But then I lean on God. I know there was a reason my body went into preterm labor. The doctors do not know, but God does. I trust him. Berkley will now start school a year earlier, forever be playing jokes on me with Wes on his birthday, April Fools, and will be in spring training at Alabama in 18 years (ehm, Wes's input). And that's okay, God's plan, not ours.

Day 6
Dear Berkley,
   Today the pediatrician heart doctor, Dr. Israel, came and did an ultrasound on your heart to look closer at what is causing the murmur. The cause is from a PDA. From what I took in, this is an artery outside of your heart going to your lungs that did not close. Its pushing too much blood into your lungs. All babies have it since they don't need to breathe before they are born. Once you are born, it normally closes up.  Since you are so small, you are going to need a little help. They are starting you on some medicine today. You also got a PICC today in your left arm. This is similar to an IV that I would have.
   We got to celebrate small victories today. Starting with feedings going to 1.4mL an hour. Dad got to hold you in the palm of his hands too. It's amazing to see his love for you. I love him more through every minute of this journey with you. He is so strong and you will learn he keeps me laughing. We got to change our first diapers today. You did so good during Care time.
   There are so many people praying for you. You are already loved by so many. I know you feel God right there with you because you show more fight everyday. In my devotional today, God showed me a passage that commands us to show THANKSGIVING and not to be drawn away from him in negative or bad times in our lives. I'm thankfully for you Berkley Miller-thankful for every minute, every hour, every day we get with you. Buddy, we have a long road before we get home, but you are a warrior. We will be home before we know it! God gave us you. We are so blessed. We will cherish every moment and every milestone with you forever.

Day 7
Dear Berkley,
   Happy ONE week to you little peach!!!! 7 days that have felt like 7 months to us. Today was a big day. You had your first blood transfusion. Sounds a lot worse than it is. You haven't lost any blood. Just sometimes babies need some extra blood. You and Daddy are the same blood type. You also got your first cuddle time with me! 😍 This is called kangaroo time because you are tucked in my shirt or gown for the skin to skin contact. It was amazing. You just curled up in to a ball right on my chest. As soon as I felt you breathing, a peacefull feeling came over me. I will never forget this moment in our lives. 

Day 8
   Today was beautiful. You seem to rest well and you loved tummy time. You are going to sleep just like Daddy does. I think you are just a few days from opening your eyes. 😊 You are up on your weight to 1lb 13oz. You had got down to 1lb 9oz, but the nurse practitioner said that was normal to lose and gain back in the beginning and while they adjust feedings. They are doing an x-ray in the morning to check on your lungs. Your oxygen levels have been changing some so they just want to see what may be going on.
   Pawpaw, Gammy, Nanna, and Poppa have all got to come back and visit some with you this week. They are all dying to hold and love on you. You are going to be one spoiled little boy.

Sleep sweet. Grow big. Be brave. I love you.

First Family Photo. Day 7

Fits right in his hands

Happy ONE week!!!

first cuddle time

Day 1-5 in NICU

     The first 5 days in the Neonatatl Intensive Care Unit.... I wasn't ready for those. Not only had I just delivered my baby 16 weeks early, but now he was in the NICU also. Wes and I didn't know what to expect, didn't know what to do, didn't know what each minute held.  Wes had went upstairs to look at the NICU before my delivery and met a sweet couple that talked to him so he was a little more prepared than I was. I didn't have a clue as my nurse wheeled me to see him. Coming into the unit, you are taken back at all the babies and machines. It is one big room with small walls separating the babies. Each baby has has their bed, tons of monitors, and whatever equipment they may need to help with oxygen, feedings, fluids, etc.  At the time of Berkley's arrival, there were 67 babies. SIXTY SEVEN families and babies struggling, asking questions, scared, anxious, tears flowing, and on their knees praying. The NICU has stayed on the sixty range since we've been here. My nurse wheeled me around to what we call Suite 30 where Berkley was. I remember being flooded by emotions and lots of tears. I couldn't believe he was here. There were so many wires and tubes connected to him. He was in an isolator which I'd call an incubator to describe better. He was completely covered with two holes on each side where I could put my hands in. Just my hands. I couldn't pick him up, couldn't hold him close and tell him everything is going to be okay, couldn't hold him and look at every detail of his face. In this moment, I remember feeling overwhelmed, a pain I hqd never felt before, a deep longing to be closer to him, but also very thankful for being able to see my precious boy there breathing. Our miracle. At this time, his nurse started to explain everything that was going on. I remember Mrs, Angelia telling me her name and she said, "I'll be taking care of your baby today".  I got lost in those words, realizing that I would not be the one taking care of him around the clock. A nurse would be, very capable of course, but not me. I had waited so long to be a mother and I felt like it was being taken from me in that moment.  The emotions tied to this was so hard to get pass. I still struggle some days, but these nurses and doctors give an outpouring of love and care daily to our little ones. They are heaven sent. I thank God every night for them.  Berkley has a feeding tube and a breathing tube. There was a machine taking the majority of breaths for him. The doctors came over and I just heard voices. Wes and I didn't really retain a word they said that night or the next day. There was so much information given to us and I remember just wondering if he was going to be okay. I'd just stare at his little body and hold on to the little hand that barely wrapped halfway around my index finger. 

    Day 3 in the NICU, I started writing in Berkley's journal. I didn't want to forget any details. I also thought this would be good therapy for me and help me tell him his story as he gets older. Below are some of my words to him and some pictures from the first few days. His journey is going to be one that God uses. I just know it.

Day 3

Dear Berkley, 

You are 1lb, 14oz. 12 in long. You are as long as Daddy's foot. Your hand is as big as the tip of his index finger. Your eyes are still fused shut. You have your daddy's nose. You are showing us fight and the nurses are calling you "fiesty". You are so strong. You are so loved.

As we soak in every detail of you, we are trying to soak in all the information from the doctors. I know you are in the best hands here, but I feel helpless. That's the part that hurts the most as your mom. Not being able to hold you or love on you is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm praying every minute of the day for you to grow, build strength, and for God to reveal his plan to us. Your arrival was unexpected to us, but I know it wasn't to God. God has a plan for you. He is in control. God commands us to be faithful. This holds true in the hardest of times. In a devotional book that Jessica gave to me on your birthday the scripture for today was Psalm 23:2 "The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want." The Lord is your Shepherd, Berkley. He will lead you. He will provide for your needs. He always has ours.

Day 4

My precious boy, you are doing so good. You are in what NICU calls the "honeymoon" stage because you haven't reacted fully to not being in my tummy. We are so happy with the progress you have made in just a few days. Your feedings are at 0.7mL and you are tolerating well. They also removed one of the cords that was hooked up through your belly button today called a UAC. You are on small baby guidelines so we are able to check your temperature, change your diaper, and gently touch you. There are certain times we can do this called care time. They are at 8am, 2pm, and 8pm. We are allowed back at any time, but must leave your insulator closed and covered unless it's during care time. Right now, we sit with you or are just about 50 steps away in the NICU lobby.

We got to hold your hands tonight. I know you could feel us there. We can't wait for you to open your eyes and start being more alert. You are making US stronger. We love you so much.

Day 5
Today I got to hold you in the palm of my hands inside the isolator. Our first touch. It was everything. Grammy always told me I'd understand her love for me once you were here. She was right, it's unexplainable. A love like no other. Always remember, I love you, Daddy loves you, and God loves you.

You went back on your vent from being on NIPPV for 18 hours. You are one strong boy. And hungry!!! They increased your feedings to 1mL today. The doctors heard a small heart murmur today that they will monitor for a few days. They assured us it's normal for premature babies to have this and it should close within a few days or they can give medicine to assist it.

Sleep sweet. Grow big. Be brave. I love you.

Berkley's Arrival

     Hey y'all! My first post... Never in a million years would I have thought I would do something like this. But God is telling me that sometimes we go through experiences so we can share our story for the greater good.  I've always thought that some things were better off left private than the whole world knowing. I felt very strong about that as I went through fertility treatments. (More on that later.) I even felt that way just a couple weeks ago when our son, Berkley, was born prematurely at 24 weeks, 2 days. Then after talking to a few moms and seeing different post/questions on social media, I realized there can never be enough support. Why hide Berkley's journey? So here it is. I hope that this is some small way will inspire you,  give you hope, or show you that sometimes faith in what we cannot see is all we have. I know in his 24 days of life, Berkley has taught me so much about love, hope, and faith. My husband, Wes, and I are blessed to be his parents. We have watched a miracle from day 1 fight to be here, fight to overcome statistics, fight to live. From this grew, Be Brave Berkley.

     Berkley Miller Stutts was born on Saturday, April 1, 2017 at 2:36 p.m., weighing in at 1lb 14oz and measuring 12 in long. I was 24 weeks, 2 days pregnant. I went to the doctor that Thursday morning because something just wasn't quite "right". {God working #1} I was sent to our local hospital and about two hours later found out I was dilated to 6cm. WHAT?!?!? Believe me, I had a panic attack right then and there. How could this happen? There were so many questions. The next two days are one big blur. I was started on magnesium and other medicines immediately at ECM as they tried to stop my contractions. I was given several shots, one of which was a steroid shot to help Berkley's lungs mature. (This was the biggest concern due to him being just 24 weeks.)  I was transferred to Huntsville Hospital's Women and Children's center by ambulance. We were so blessed to make it here as they are better equipped to handle premature babies with their Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU).  {God working #2} The doctors and nurses  at Huntsville were great. They were able to get my contractions to slow down and we made it to Saturday before Berkley was delivered. (More on Delivery day later.) Due to the steroid shot needing 48 hours to be beneficial for his lungs, our immediate goal was to make it to 2:32p.m. Saturday before delivery. Berkley said hello to the world 4mins after our goal at at 2:36pm. {God working #3} Are you seeing the pattern? God always provides for us. It was not in our plan to deliver Berkley at 24weeks, but it was in God's. He lined up everything for us in order to have Berkley here with us. 

     Why did we not share a lot of information in the beginning and get upset when others did? When a doctor looks at you and tells you that you have to be realistic about delivery, that your son is 24 weeks old, and the statistics stack against him - you get scared, real scared. When you know there's a 50/50 chance that he may not make it through delivery or through that first day. There were a lot of tears and a lot of prayers. My son is a miracle and no matter what we face over the next few months, I'll never forget that whimper as he was laid on my chest. Almost 2lbs of a God given miracle. The nurses had prepared us that he would probably weigh a little over a pound, maybe 1.5 pounds  and that we would not hear him cry or anything at delivery due to his immature lungs. Well, there he was right before our eyes at almost 2lbs and giving me a small whimper to tell me he was going to make it. God, again, showing me not to lose my faith. He's in control. 

     I keep a journal that I write to Berkley in every day. I'm going to catch you up as this is day 23 of the NICU journey and tell you some things in between. I hope you gain some strength and hope from our journey. Joshua 1:9

To my precious son, Sleep sweet. Grow big. Be brave. I love you.